A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks his cah” the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with China.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse behind the bar serving drinks.

The guy stares, and finally the horse says, “Hey buddy, haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”

“No, it’s not that — it’s just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Mr. Proctor: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Mr. Proctor: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Mr. Proctor: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop, and two bottles of pop, and another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Little Johnny : SIX.

Mr. Proctor: Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits,and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Mr. Proctor: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Little Johnny : I’ve already got one rabbit at home!