DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm must try this with their baby…

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and…Oooops!

9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.

15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: “Playcat”.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”

4 Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat IV.

2. On MSN you’re known as the IronMouser.

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.