The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest & meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make this alligator look like a Dachshund

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
—8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

AMANA WASHER $100
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE
—ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES
—PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK
— $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD
—85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
—WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
—HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
—”WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA
— FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
—LOOKS LIKE A RAT
—BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE REWARD

HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER
— “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

AMERICAN FLAG
—60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

BARS SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

• “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx.

• “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.” — Dave Barry

• “I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.” — Penny Ward Moser

• “The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage.” — Danish Proverb “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” — Aldous Huxley

• “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” — Robert Benchley

• “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” — Unknown

• “I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” — August Strindberg

• “No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.” — Fran Lebowitz

• “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They just think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” — Anne Tyler

• “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”— Rita Rudner

• “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.” — Joe Weinstein

• “Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.” — Unknown<

• “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.” — James Thurber

• “You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.” — Nora Ephron

• “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”— Ann Landers

• “Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” — Robert A. Heinlein

• “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” —Ben Williams

• “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” — Edward Abbey

• “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” — Mark Twain

• “I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.” — Abraham Lincoln

• “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” — Mark Twain

• “Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.” — Smiley Blanton

• “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” —John Steinbeck

• “My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.” — Rita Rudner