The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
—8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

AMANA WASHER $100
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE
—ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES
—PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK
— $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD
—85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
—WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
—HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
—”WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA
— FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
—LOOKS LIKE A RAT
—BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE REWARD

HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER
— “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

AMERICAN FLAG
—60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

BARS SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

A wife experiences some car trouble and calls her husband at work.

WIFE: “Hey hun, There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”

WIFE: “In the pool.”

A New York City cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”