In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

• BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

• DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

• END ZONE: The pews.

• EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

• ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

• INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

• TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor’s wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.

• QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Sunday School teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

On a Sunday morning a mother knocked on her son’s bedroom door and told him that it was time to get up and go to church.

“I’m not going to church this morning,” said the son.

“You gotta get up and go to church”, replied the mother.

“No, I’m not.” said the son.

“Yes you are”, yelled the mother.

“No, I’m not, they don’t like me and I don’t like them. Give me two good reasons why I have to go,” stated the son.

“Number one, you’re 55 years-old and number two, you’re the pastor!”

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.