These epitaphs apparently come from REAL graves:

Here lies John Yeast,
Pardon him for not rising.

Here I lie
And no wonder I’m dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Went over my head.

Here lies Lester More. No Les no more …

Here lies my wife,
I bid her goodbye.
She rests in peace
and now so do I.

Here lies Henry Blake
He stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.

First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.

1. I’ll get a world record for this.
2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
3. Hey! There’s no handles inside these car doors!
4. Gee, that’s a cute tattoo.
5. Let’s ask that group of basketball players for directions.
6. It’s fireproof.
7. He’s probably just hibernating.
8. What does this button do?
9. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
10. So, you’re a cannibal.
11. It’s probably just a rash.
12. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
13. Are you sure the power is off?
14. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
15. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
16. What duck?
17. What do you mean, “I’ll be back”?
18. Pull the pin and count to what?
19. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
20. I wonder where the mother bear is.
21. I’ve seen this done on TV.
22. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
23. I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.
24. What’s that priest doing here?
25. You look just like Charles Manson.
26. Let it down slowly.
27. Rat poison only kills rats.
28. I hope they speak English.
29. OK, I’ll go ahead and make your day.
30. It can’t possibly rain for forty days and nights.
31. Give me liberty or give me death.
32. It’s strong enough for both of us.
33. This doesn’t taste right.
34. I can make this light before it changes.
35. Nice doggie.
36. I can do that with my eyes closed.
37. I’ve done this before.
38. Well, we’ve made it this far.
39. That’s odd.
40. Hey, that’s not a violin.
41. I’ll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
42. I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
43. You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you.
44. OK this is the last time.
45. Don’t be so superstitious.
46. Now watch this.
47. This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.