This is the way we would sing these well-known hymns–if we’re honest.

• I Surrender Some

• There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings

• Fill My Spoon, Lord

• Oh, How I Like Jesus

• He’s Quite a Bit to Me

• I Love to Talk About Telling the Story

• Take My Life and Let Me Be

• It is My Secret What God Can Do

• There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today

• Onward, Christian Reserves

• Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

• Just As I Pretend to Be

• When the Saints Go Sneaking In

Now available! REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS for today’s generation of modern churchgoers. The old favorites can now be sung without guilt, conviction, or discomfort. Hundreds of your old favorites made comfortable. Some of the titles include:

• “Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound”
• “Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow”
• “Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me”
• “When Peace, Like a Trickle”
• “What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus”
• “Blest Be the Tie that Doesn’t Cramp My Style”
• “I Surrender Some”
• “Standing on the Premises”
• “Sweet Minute of Prayer”
• “Blessed Insurance”
• “Come We That Like the Lord”
• “Onward, Social Workers”
• “The Gold-Plated Cross”
• “Some for Jesus”
• “I Have My Own Way”

10. The Pastor refers to God only as “Jehovah” and constantly exhorts the congregation to “witness”

9. New members are required to submit W-2’s for the last 10 years.

8. Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

7. The media refers to the church facilities as a “compound”.

6. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.

5. The Women’s Quartet are all married to the pastor.

4. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.

3. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.

2. The New Member’s kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.

And the #1 way of knowing your in the wrong church is:

1. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she’s divorced!