A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient, to which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

When the British were developing the high-speed railway under the English Channel to France, the tracks crossed low country near the sea where many shore birds nested. They were very interested in the FAA test and wanted to try it out on the windshield of the new high-speed locomotive they were developing. They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel, and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Use a thawed chicken.”

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
—8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

AMANA WASHER $100
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE
—ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES
—PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK
— $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD
—85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
—WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
—HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
—”WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA
— FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
—LOOKS LIKE A RAT
—BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE REWARD

HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER
— “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

AMERICAN FLAG
—60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

BARS SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS