One day while walking down the street a highly successful, executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven.”

“Sorry, we have rules…” and with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having a good time and before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.”

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell, and you’ve spent a day in heaven, now you must choose your eternity.”

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time, now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today, you’re staff.”

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed, so the woman said, “That’s Okay, it’s in coupon heaven now.”

“Coupon heaven?”, the checker said.

“Yes”, the woman said, “That’s where coupons go when they die.”

“Only the redeemed ones!”, said the checker.

As with most Pearly Gate stories, this one is mistakenly based on works salvation, not grace. But hey, you know you get to heaven because you have Jesus as Lord and Savior, not because you’ve earned it, right?! Nonetheless, this is a funny one!

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything really bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a giant Biker Gang hassling this poor girl. I slowed my car down to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ‘em harrassing this young woman. So, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang – a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the entire gang formed a circle around me.

Anyway, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled at the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”

St. Peter, impressed, says “Really? When did this happen?”

“Oh, about two minutes ago.”