1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

2. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

3. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

5. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.” ”

What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy”

“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice.

“Sounds great.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, and an eye, an ear of your choice.”

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?” The rest, as they say, is history

During the summer when the power mower was broke, and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house … he was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.

“When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks.”