A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom’s clock and, pointing to it, announced, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom.”

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.

The smirking lawyer continued, “The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.” Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.

The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict.

When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: “Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!”

“Well,” the foreman explained, “Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

A young couple was looking forward to the day they were to get married. Unfortunately, that plan was changed when they were both killed in a car accident.

Upon their arrival in Heaven, they sought out St. Peter and told him they were planning on getting married when they were killed, and asked St. Peter if he could arrange to have them married in Heaven. He pondered the question and said it would be difficult, but to come back in five years.

Five years later, they returned and again repeated their request. St. Peter said he hadn’t been able to make the arrangements yet, but asked them to return in another five years.

Five years later, they reappeared to him and St. Peter rejoiced in telling them he had been able to make the final arrangements. They were married shortly thereafter.

A few years later, they were having problems in their marriage and decided to get a divorce. They went to St. Peter, asking him to make the divorce arrangements. In exasperation, St. Peter said: “It took me ten years to get a judge up here so you could get married, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?”

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
—8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

AMANA WASHER $100
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE
—ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES
—PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX
COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK
— $2000

GERMAN SHEPHERD
—85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
—WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50

NORDIC TRACK $300
—HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
—”WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA
— FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
—LOOKS LIKE A RAT
—BEEN OUT AWHILE
BETTER BE REWARD

HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER
— “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

AMERICAN FLAG
—60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE:
PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

GROUND BEAST:
99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

BARS SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS