• “This should be taken care of right away.”
  I’d planned a trip to the islands next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

• “Welllllll, what have we here…?”
  I have no idea and I’m hoping you’ll give me a clue.

• “Let me check your medical history.”
  I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

• “Why don’t we make another appointment for later in the week.”
  It is Thursday and I’m playing golf this afternoon, also, this a waste of my time. or, I need the money, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

• “We have some good news and some bad news.”
  The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

• “Let’s see how it develops.”
  Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be treated.

• “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
  I have a large interest in the lab.

• “I’d like to run some more tests.”
  I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

• “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
  I don’t know what it is. If we wait, maybe it will go away by itself.

• “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
  I think I’m going to throw up.

• “This may smart a little.”
  Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

• “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
  I can see that you are as sick as a dog, and I hope that I don’t catch anything.

• “This should fix you up.”
  I have no idea how it works. Probably in fourteen days or two weeks, which ever happens first, you will feel better.

• “Everything seems to be normal.”
  Rats! This guy isn’t sick after all.

• “There is a lot of that going around.”
  My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better check the Internet to learn something about this disease.

• “If those symptoms persist, please call next Monday for an appointment.”
  I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I’m off next week.

This list apparently comes from a healthcare professional who has come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

• The patient has no past history of suicides.

• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

• The patient refused an autopsy.

10. “EEEEEKKK!!!!!!”

9. “Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin…”

8. “The GOOD news is … you have termites.”

7. “Do you happen to have a large net?”

6. “Please! Tell me you rent.”

5. “Quick! Phone the police, we have a hostage situation!”

4. “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”

3. “Did you know that scorched furniture can be a decorative statement?”

2. “You know, I’m also a taxidermist.”

1. “Ma’am, I’m afraid they have a lawyer!”