• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

• Room service? Send up a larger room.

• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

• Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

• He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

• A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

• Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!

• You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

• You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

• Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

• Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

• There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

• I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

• If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

• I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

• Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

• Time wounds all heels.

• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

• Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

• I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

• Whatever it is,… I’m against it.

• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

• Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Ok, this one has some humor, some wisdom, some heart-warming sentiment. Sorry, it won’t happen again!

• I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”. –Age 7

• I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. –Age 7

• I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. –Age 9

• I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.–Age 13

• I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.–Age 13

• I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. –Age 24

• I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. –Age 29

• I’ve learned that wherever I go, the worlds’ worst drivers have followed me there. –Age 29

• I’ve learned…that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. –Age 39

• I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.–Age 41

• I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little card. –Age 44

• I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. –Age 46

• I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. –Age 49

• I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. –Age 50

• I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. –Age 52

• I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. –Age 53

• I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. –Age 58

• I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. –Age 61

• I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. –Age 62

• I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. –Age 64

• I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. –Age 65

• I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. –Age 66

• I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer. –Age 72

• I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several. –Age 73

• I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. –Age 82

• I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that humans touch–holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.–Age 85

• I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.–Age 92

1. “The Lion Attacked” –Claude Yarmoff
2. “How to Write Big Books” –Warren Peace
3. “The Art of Archery” –Beau N. Arrow
4. “Songs for Children” –Barbara Blacksheep
5. “Irish Heart Surgery” –Angie O’Plasty
6. “Under the Bleachers” –Seymour Butts
7. “Desert Crossing” –I. Rhoda Camel
8. “School Truancy” –Marcus Absent