Plumber
“We repair what your husband Fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania
“Don’t sleep with a drip, call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan
“7 days without pizza makes one Weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Sign at the psychic’s Hotline
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

At A Laundry Shop
“How about we refund your money,send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

At a Towing Company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

Billboard on the side of the road
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

On an Electricians truck
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area
” If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On Maternity Room Door
“Push, Push, Push.”

At an Optometrists Office
“If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window
“We really know our stuff.”

In a Podiatrist’s office
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Butchers window
“Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence
“Salesman Welcome, dog food is expensive.”

At a car Dealership
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop
“No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”

Outside a Hotel
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

On a desk in a reception room
“We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a Veterinarians waiting room
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ”

At the Electric Company
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”

On the door of a Computer Store
“Out for a quick byte.”

In a Restaurant window
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

Inside a Bowling Alley
“Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a funeral home
“Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

In a counselors office
“Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

• Never accept a drink from a urologist. –Erma Bombeck

• Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at your trial. –Sydney Biddle Barrows, the “Mayflower Madam”

• Never say “Oops” in the operating room. –Dr. Leo Troy

• Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. –Dan Zevin

• Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. –Harry S. Truman

• Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff’s 16-year-old daughter on your lap. –Anonymous member of a chain gang

• Never use while sleeping. –Instruction on Conair hair dryer

• Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!” –Rita Rudner

• Never murder a man when he’s busy committing suicide. –Woodrow Wilson

• Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.–Winston Churchill

• Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. –John Peers

• Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. –American adage about newspaper editors.

• Never ruin an apology with an excuse. –Kimberly Johnson

• Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn’t like what you have to say, it’ll be OK because you’ll be a mile way and you’ll have his shoes.

• Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. –Hanlon’s Razor

• Never eat more than you can lift. –Miss Piggy

• Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. –Sam Brown, The Washington Post

• Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. –Salvor Hardin

• Never try to out-stubborn a cat. –Lazarus Long

• Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.

• Never try to guess your wife’s size. Just buy her anything marked “petite” and hold on to the receipt.

• Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.

• Home is where you hang your @

• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

• You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

• Great groups from little icons grow.

• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

• C:\ is the root of all directories.

• Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

• Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

• The modem is the message.

• Too many clicks spoil the browse.

• The geek shall inherit the earth.

• A chat has nine lives.

• Don’t byte off more than you can view.

• Fax is stranger than fiction.

• What boots up must come down.

• Windows will never cease.

• Virtual reality is its own reward.

• Modulation in all things.

• A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

• There’s no place like http://www.home.com

• Know what to expect before you connect.

• Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice html.

• Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.