These are actual letters from parents to teachers, with spelling mistakes intact.

• My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,31, 32, and also 33.

• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to getthe Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

• Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

• Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument:

“Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses–will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.