Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is,… I’m against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.