• Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

• You know stuff about tanks.

• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

• You can open all your own jars.

• Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.

• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

• You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.

• You can leave the motel bed unmade.

• You can kill your own food.

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

• Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.

• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

• Everything on your face stays its original color.

• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.”

• Same work…more pay.

• Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

• Wedding dress – $2,000. Tuxedo rental – 75 bucks.

• You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.

• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

• You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. “So, notice anything different?”

• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• You almost never have strap problems in public.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You don’t have to shave below your neck.

• At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

• Your belly usually hides your big hips.

• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

• You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. However, there were no chickens anywhere.

Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen – coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. “It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave,” she says. “It was so bizarre I just froze.”

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away.

Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. “Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,” says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk.

She has not cooked chicken since.

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”