Benjamin Smith was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. “Master,” the genie began, “I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever.”

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny made his three wishes and became tremendously happy. Over the years, Benny’s beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

But why did the chicken cross the road again?
Because it was a double-crosser.

So why did the muddy chicken cross the road again?
Because it was a dirty double-crosser.

Then why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Chuck, purchased a new laptop for his job. He travels a lot, and needs to have all the important information at his fingertips.

Unfortunately, in installing all the software an insidious new computer virus was also installed. This new virus randomly inserted profanity and scatological references into his printed copy, but didn’t display them on the screen. Since Chuck trusted his Spell Checker software, he never proofread his copy, and in short order he’d insulted most of his friends and all of his business associates.

When one of his more outspoken friends finally brought the situation to his attention, Chuck was very humiliated and became extremely depressed. He then developed an irrational desire to punish his computer, and he tried several methods to punish his computer for the grief it had brought him.

First, he attempted to cause corrosion of the power supply terminals by sprinkling them with sodium and calcium chloride from highway deicing barrels. Next, he scraped away the solder joints from the board. Finally he threw the whole system out the eighth floor window of his hotel.

Poor Chuck’s actions were reported to the Computer Protection Services. The next morning, he was arrested and charged with . . . a salted battery, breach of contacts, and making an obscene clone fall.