Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is fretting: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees “too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly”- but says: “At least I’m clean” and goes anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

The Dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

To which the person on the other end of the line said, “No! There’s no one called Alf here.” Then, they hung up.

“That’s irritation,” said Dad.

Then he picked up the phone again and dialed the same number; once again asking for Alf a second time. This time the irate answerer replied, “No — there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I’ll call the police.”

“That’s aggravation,” commented Dad.

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asked his son.

The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time: “Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?”

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks his cah” the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with China.