Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
Ok, this one has some humor, some wisdom, some heart-warming sentiment. Sorry, it won’t happen again!
I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”. –Age 7
I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. –Age 7
I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. –Age 9
I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.–Age 13
I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.–Age 13
I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. –Age 24
I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. –Age 29
I’ve learned that wherever I go, the worlds’ worst drivers have followed me there. –Age 29
I’ve learned…that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. –Age 39
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.–Age 41
I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little card. –Age 44
I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. –Age 46
I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. –Age 49
I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. –Age 50
I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. –Age 52
I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. –Age 53
I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. –Age 58
I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. –Age 61
I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. –Age 62
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. you need to be able to throw something back. –Age 64
I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. –Age 65
I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. –Age 66
I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer. –Age 72
I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several. –Age 73
I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. –Age 82
I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that humans touch–holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.–Age 85
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.–Age 92
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist. –Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at your trial. –Sydney Biddle Barrows, the “Mayflower Madam”
Never say “Oops” in the operating room. –Dr. Leo Troy
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. –Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. –Harry S. Truman
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff’s 16-year-old daughter on your lap. –Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never use while sleeping. –Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!” –Rita Rudner
Never murder a man when he’s busy committing suicide. –Woodrow Wilson
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.–Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. –John Peers
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. –American adage about newspaper editors.
Never ruin an apology with an excuse. –Kimberly Johnson
Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn’t like what you have to say, it’ll be OK because you’ll be a mile way and you’ll have his shoes.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. –Hanlon’s Razor
Never eat more than you can lift. –Miss Piggy
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. –Sam Brown, The Washington Post
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. –Salvor Hardin
Never try to out-stubborn a cat. –Lazarus Long
Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
Never try to guess your wife’s size. Just buy her anything marked “petite” and hold on to the receipt.
Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.