Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!!”, he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!,” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time . . .

“I HAVEN’T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!”

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centres.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn’t normal.

9. There was no “standard weight and height” tables – and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked “Adam, where are you?” He replied, “The woman you gave me was reading the map.”

Wouldn’t you love to see this?

• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
• Cook’s Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
• No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age- blasting cosmetics.
• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
• Midlife Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
• Single Mother Barbie. There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, and a six-pack of Diet Coke.