• You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
• That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
• While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
• If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover.
• I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
• That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I’m gonna go over and talk to her.
• I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
• I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine’s Day present!
• Let’s just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don’t have to mess with it anymore.
• I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.

One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their wives. The guy from England began by saying: “I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared… and even dessert.”

Then the man from France spoke up: “I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies… He sat up straight, pushed out his chest and said: “I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would
have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from “Jaws.”

6. The preacher uses a “Billy the Bass” singing “Take Me to the River” instead of the traditional “Shall We Gather at the River?”.

5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, “Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn’t know about that drop-off!”

4. The pastor can’t get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU’RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:

1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer